Making friends in primary school can be tricky. Here's how parents and teachers can help

Wednesday, 26 December 2018 19:28 Dr Natasha Wardman, Lecturer, School of Education and Arts, Australian Catholic University Press Releases - The Conversation
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imageGood friendships translate to higher achievement at school.www.shutterstock.com

If we think back to our own childhood days, most of us would agree making good friends in primary school was not always an easy task. Sometimes friendship occurred out of convenience or survival when there was a limited number of peers to choose from. Sometimes friendship was a utility to be bought and sold through the transaction of lollies or other interesting lunchbox snacks.

Sometimes friendship developed through shared interests and extra-curricular activities. But the friendships found to stand the test of time are those that work to enhance both lives through a mutual sense of humour, empathy, honesty, loyalty, trust and respect.


Read more: Young people value diversity, humour and honesty in their friendships – new research


From this perspective, the best type of friendship is not based on utility, pleasure or convenience which may dissolve over time, but rather the character or virtues of both people. Such friendship needs to be given freely (rather than forced), reciprocal (rather than one-sided), and recognise the virtues both people contribute in getting to know each other and themselves more deeply.

What is developmentally normal?

From a psychological perspective, there are five stages of social competence that influence the formation of friendships:

  1. stage one (three to seven years) involves momentary friendship with whoever is in close proximity
  2. stage two (four to nine years) involves one-way friendship with someone who can help us achieve our own goals
  3. stage three (six to 12 years) involves reciprocal friendship, but only under specific conditions
  4. stage four (11-15 years) involves mutually close and supportive friendship
  5. stage five (12 to adulthood) involves friendship which respects the autonomy of each individual even though they may share similar interests and deeper feelings.

From a sociological perspective, friendship is not a series of biologically determined hoops children are expected to jump through in sequential order. Children draw on social strategies to resist or create their own peer culture in ways that may differ from adult expectations. They don’t simply mimic adult socialisation.

imageMaking friends in schools with more cultural diversity can minimise the risk of peer victimisation.from www.shutterstock.com

Yet, the members of select cliques still define what’s considered normal or acceptable within this peer culture. In fact, being chosen as friends by those of equal or higher peer status can decrease the risk of peer victimisation.

Given such complexity in friendship formation, it’s not surprising many parents are concerned with how their children can make quality friendships in primary school. Particularly as research has found a positive link between high-quality friendships and better academic results. They also experience less stress from peer exclusion.

So, if high-quality friendships are important for student academic results and stress reduction, what can parents and teachers do to facilitate this?

What parents can do

A magic formula doesn’t exist, but there are some general evidence-based strategies that have proven to assist in friendship formation without the risk of “bonsai parenting” (where parents over-nurture their children) or “bubble-wrapping” children. These include:

imageSometimes we’re lucky enough to maintain friendships all the way through adulthood.from www.shutterstock.com

What teachers can do

Given the large amount of time students spend at school, teachers also have a role to play in supporting students to make and maintain positive friendships through:


Read more: Nice guys finish first: empathetic boys attract more close female friends


How to work through ending friendships in primary school

Sometimes we’re lucky enough to maintain friendships as we transition from primary to secondary school (and beyond). Research has shown this may have a positive effect on academic performance and mental health.

But sometimes we grow out of friendships as we evolve in different directions and our values and interests change. There may be times when friendships need to be dissolved if they breach our trust and/or damage our well-being. Children as well as adults, need to know when and how to dissolve such friendships and how to work through any sense of loss that may result.

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Dr Natasha Wardman does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.

Authors: Dr Natasha Wardman, Lecturer, School of Education and Arts, Australian Catholic University

Read more http://theconversation.com/making-friends-in-primary-school-can-be-tricky-heres-how-parents-and-teachers-can-help-107609