The gang is going out Saturday, there's a killer Aerosmith concert at the civic center, and everyone's dying to try that new Chinese joint downtown -- they're supposed to have the best Saki Screwdrivers on the planet. Of course, the evening wouldn't be complete without a wrap-up session at the karaoke bar to show off the mad skills you learned from Stephen Tyler and company.

Hold on, though. None of your friends are planning their transportation plans, and surely everyone wants to stay safe and avoid the possibility of getting a DUI. Nobody has time for court, jail time, or traffic school. Somebody's got to be the designated driver, and tag! You're it. What now?

What Designated Drivers Must Do

Being the designated driver doesn't have to be a total drag. There are lots of upsides; you’ll likely be the only one who truly appreciates that succulent Kung Pao Shrimp, and you’ll also probably the only one who actually remembers the killer drum solo Joey Kramer kicks out during the extended version of "Back in the Saddle".

You also get to witness your friends' idiocy throughout the evening, including Becky hitting on the really ugly guy and Sam's utter humiliation when he falls off of the curb. You'll remember it all, and have that luscious fodder for blackmailing them later.

According to instructors at defensive driving school, the designated driver has to do these critical things to assure everyone's safety:

• Arrangements for a designated driver have to be in place before anyone leaves for the evening. Otherwise, whoever can still stand up without tripping ends up driving, and that is not a sober designated driver.
• The designated driver must take the car keys before leaving. This prevents one of the drunker friends from refusing to hand them over when it's time to go home -- causing an ugly scene.
• No cheating -- not even one sip. Sometimes, the difference between a fantastic night out and disaster is the designated driver sneaking "just one drink."
• Everybody has to take their fair turn being the designated driver. It's totally not cool to stick it with the same person every time you go out, unless someone in your group just isn't interested in drinking. Make it fair and stay sober for your share of the outings.
• Since the designated driver is taking on the responsibility for getting everyone home safe, including Olivia's brand spanking new Dodge Challenger, the group owes it to him or her to pay for their dinner, concert ticket, gas, or some other expense. It's just common courtesy. 

What Designated Drivers Must Not Do

Obviously, the designated driver must drive and must not drink, but their responsibilities should end there. The designated driver can't be responsible for someone in the group who drinks to a manic excess and gets belligerent, gets lost, starts a fight, or keys someone's car in the bar parking lot.

Everyone in the group has to accept responsibility for their own behavior, which includes not getting too drunk to make reasonable, rational decisions. If somebody gets so drunk that they cause a scene or break the law, they shouldn't expect the designated driver to do more than warn them to behave and offer them a ride home. Stupidity due to drunkenness does not fall under the jurisdiction of your designated driver.

How to Make the Most Out of Your Designated Driver Experience

First, it's important to approach the evening lightheartedly. You might not get a buzz, but you'll have a blast laughing with (at) your drunken friends. Take notes -- some of this stuff is going to be a goldmine of humiliation for you to dish out tomorrow! Order your favorite entree, and forget the calories -- you're saving thousands of calories by foregoing the alcohol. Even treat yourself to dessert, or insist that your buddies do.

If the group gets a bit silly for your sober tastes, mingle with some other designated drivers and figure out ways to confuse and confound your drunken friends. If somebody gets out of line, or if someone outside the group begins to harass one of your intoxicated friends, be ready to react with a stern warning or to help your friends get out of harm's way. While their behavior isn't your responsibility, you might be able to save them a black eye or a night in jail with a swift, well-phrased warning. It'd be a shame for them to end up in jail after you worked so hard to stay sober all night.

What to Do if Nobody is Willing to be the Designated Driver

If everyone in the group is dead-set on drinking, you don't have to risk a DUI or something worse. There are lots of options that are still fun and will keep you out of court or traffic school. Hire a taxi -- or better yet -- rent a limo for the evening. Larger groups can pool their funds and get a sweet charter van or bus for a reasonable price. Even the local public transit system beats a stint in jail and several thousand dollars in court fees, attorney costs, and fines -- and no amount of money is worth putting other innocent drivers and passengers on the road at risk.

Bio:

At Comedy Defensive Driving, Texas and Florida drivers can get real, court-approved defensive driving courses taught by a comedian. Laugh your way through learning the finer points of defensive driving in one of our onsite or online defensive driving courses.